Hey, everybody: In a recent column, I wrote that straight men wanna fuck women other than (or in addition to) their wives and girlfriends. Lots of women wrote insisting this wasn't the case, that the men they love only wanna fuck them. Not a single straight man wrote in to complain, however, which I couldn't resist pointing out. Well, the letters from straight guys have been pouring in ever since:
I'm not surprised you didn't get complaints from straight men about your comment that all straight men want to fuck other women. I'm a straight guy with a great girlfriend. Sometimes I'd like to fuck other women, but I resist temptation. Sure, I could fuck other women behind her back, but I don't think I'd feel good about it. I can't change the fact that I'm wired to desire other women, but I can exercise self-control.
--Fucks Only One
Nothing about my wholly obvious statement--all men want to fuck other women--should be read as a negation of some straight men's ability to control themselves. Yes, many straight men refrain from fucking other women--but it's a struggle, isn't it, guys?
I know a dozen decent guys in stable, long-term relationships--marriage, kids, the works--who admit to other guys that they wanna fuck other women. Me too. We don't admit it to our significant others because we know that they would never, ever understand. Our spouses put up with our body hair, flatus, sports, and clannish boys-only activities. We show our appreciation by not saying, "Gee, honey, have you seen that sweet young piece of ass? I'd like to git inside o' that!"
I agree with you about straight men wanting to fuck other women. I want to fuck other women all the time. But don't GAY men also want to fuck everything that moves? I would assume gay men would too, being men.
Gay men grow up on the same planet straight men do, a planet that celebrates male promiscuity. The same culture that celebrates male promiscuity, oddly enough, punishes female promiscuity, which makes it hard for wannabe-promiscuous straight boys to find pussy. Since gay men's sex partners are other men, we have a much easier time coming by our sex partners--and coming on them, and in them. It's a trade-off: You straight guys can't get laid whenever you want, but you can get legally married (and legally divorced). We gay guys can't get legally married, but we can get laid whenever we want. Just between you and me, straight boys: HA HA HA!
I'm a normal guy with a dick that sometimes gets hard when his woman isn't around. I wanna fuck other women. I don't wanna love them. I don't necessarily wanna know them. I just wanna fuck them. On the other hand, I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend. That would be the worst....Who am I kidding? I probably would cheat on her, if the opportunity arose. But I'd feel bad about it. Sign me...
--Probably Wouldn't Feel That Bad, Either
What do my hetero male friends and I talk about when we're away from our significant others? Fucking other women. Male #1: "What would it be like to wear Jennifer Lopez's ass like a hat?" Other men in room: "MMMHMM!"
--Straight Male Liar
I am a happily married male in his 30s. You are correct in pointing out that men's libidos have been honed by evolution into high-performance, high-octane machines. You are also correct to point out that women are deluding themselves if they believe otherwise. I find myself sexually attracted to other women. However, men have counterbalances to our unchecked libidos, also a product of evolution--they are called guilt, shame, and fear, which are things not as well developed in the primates you cite. Now, I don't believe you are saying that infidelity is OK because polygamy is hardwired into males' brains. However, I don't think that justifies titty bars as a "substitute" to infidelity or a "way to blow off steam." A woman who sees a man spending money and attention (women are attracted to status, remember) on a stripper may be just as wounded as one who finds out her guy's been cheating.
True, many women feel cheated on when their men go to titty bars. Heck, I have stacks of letters from women who feel cheated on when their men masturbate, for Christ's sake. (At the risk of kicking up a fresh shit storm: All men masturbate, even men married to sex bombs.) But women who feel that a visit to a titty bar, to say nothing of masturbation, is the equivalent of cheating are mistaken and need to get over it, which I've selflessly been encouraging them to do. Nothing I've said, of course, excuses infidelity. For the record: Men shouldn't make commitments they can't keep. On the flip side, women should think twice before extracting strict monogamous commitments from men--commitments most men won't be able to keep.
Every guy I've ever met has had the urge to fuck other women, yours truly included. I happen to have a good friend who has been dating a girl for four years. A few months ago, we all went to a local strip club. She came along, and even paid for him to have a lap dance. This goes to show that there are straight women out there who understand that men need that occasional sexual release that comes from looking at other women. Those women who wrote in saying that when it's "true love" men shouldn't want to look at other women are flat-out wrong. And if it is true love, men shouldn't have to pretend to be something we're not. Would women be happy if they had to deny their true feelings to please someone else?
--Single Straight Guy
You claimed that most straight men want to have sex with other women, then you stated that no straight men had written in to contest your claim about their sexual desires. Let me be the first, then. I have NO desire to have sex with any other woman besides my girlfriend. Do I think about other women? Sure. But thinking about something and really desiring that thing are different ideas. Given the chance to have a completely anonymous sexual encounter with some 18-year-old nymphet with an absolute guarantee that my girlfriend would never know, I would refuse.
I'm sure you don't like to hear heterosexuals make sweeping generalizations about homosexuals; why then do you, a homosexual, make generalizations about straight men?
--Happy and Devoted
Judging from the rest of my mail, HAD, the sweeping generalization I made about straight men is one most straight men cheerfully make about themselves. That said, you sound like a swell guy, HAD, and your girlfriend is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have her too, especially if she fell for that thinking-isn't-the-same-as-desiring line of crap. What is thinking about other women about if it isn't desire? Geez, what women won't fall for!
Next week: Not all women are dumb or deluded. Smart women get the last word in next week's Savage Love.
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