A couple of months ago you invited women to send in cunnilingus tips for straight guys. We're still waiting for that column, Dan. What gives? Didn't any women send in tips?
--Straight Guy Anxious for Pointers
Oh, women sent in cunnilingus tips, SGAFP. I got 500 letters from straight women with advice for men on the whole pussy-eating subject. Why haven't these letters appeared in the column? Well, I have a bias: I'm gay. Given a choice between reading hundreds of E-mails about eating pussy or, say, talking to a good-looking male porn star about his on-line underwear sales, well, I'm going to go with the porn star every time. While I'm aware that reading about cunnilingus is one of my occupational hazards (along with handling letters from people who eat poo), that awareness doesn't make me any less reluctant to do so.
Don't get me wrong, ladies. I am all for cunnilingus. Women deserve it, and straight men, in my opinion, are obligated to provide it. But still. I'm as pro cunnilingus as a gay man can get. Even so, spending a week reading hundreds of detailed letters about cunnilingus, picking out the best ones, and editing them into a column is something I can easily put off. Indefinitely. I guess you could say I'm pro cunnilingus in the abstract. I'm pro eating pussy the same way I'm, say, pro round-the-clock home nursing for incontinent paraplegics. I'm glad it happens, I just don't want to do it. Or think about it. Or spend a week reading about it. But I promised you a cunnilingus column, SGAFP, and a cunnilingus column you shall have.
But what about my gay male readers? Columns about cunnilingus have something to offer straight men, straight women, and lesbians, but nothing to offer gay men. So to give my gay readers a reason to slog through this column, I've included an item of particular interest to gay men at the end.
OK, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys--listen and learn!
Whatever you do, do not use your teeth! Take them out if you have to. Also try to keep the saliva down to a minimum.
Good advice, BT. No teeth, boys, and very little saliva.
Saliva, saliva, saliva: I can't overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication.
--Cumming From Cunnilingus
No, wait--use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.
The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). But the action should include not only the tongue, but also the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there!
No, wait--use your teeth to nibble, boys.
I don't think it's necessary for a guy to spend much time in any other area than the clitoris.
--It's the Clit
Focus on the clit, boys.
A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.
--Word of the Day
No, wait--explore the whole pussy, boys.
As a closeted gay college student, I turned to my straight friends for guidance on "the deed," and one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! Start with lower case and work through the caps. One word of caution: She can't know what you're doing! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me.
Lick the alphabet, boys, but don't let her know you're licking the alphabet.
I dated a guy who used "the alphabet song" to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the "A, B, C, D, E, F, G / H, I, J, K, LMNOP" song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. He did it at the same pace of the song (long G, quick LMNOP, etc), and by the time he got to Z, I was shaking. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet!
No, wait--tell her you're licking the alphabet, and she'll get wet when she hears the alphabet song.
Guys, don't slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women don't like small, limp dicks so why simulate one with your tongue?
Don't stick your tongues in, boys.
A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The first time I said, "Where'd you learn to do that?" He said, "You have never had eet?" "Not like that," I said. The American guys I've slept with tend to lap politely. I guess this must be one of those things the French come up with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation. It doesn't seem fair, does it?
No, wait--stick your tongues in their vaginal canals, boys.
So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can't eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me--it's a nice change.
--Lick It Don't Stick It
No fingers, boys, just tongue.
Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, curl your fingers toward you like you're saying come here. Do this while you lick, and she'll come right then and there.
--East Bay Hard Core
No, wait--use your fingers and tongue, boys.
OK, let's review what we've learned about cunnilingus: use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don't use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but don't tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; don't stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don't stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in. I hope this was helpful. Of course, if it wasn't--if this column left you confused about going down on a woman--you might try asking the woman to tell you exactly what she likes. Personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading my 500 E-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex. So, boys, you'll have to ask 'em what they like.
And, finally, here's that promised item of interest to gay men: Did everyone see Ricky Martin dancing with George W. Bush in front of the Lincoln Memorial last week? I felt the same shame watching Ricky dance with W. that African-Americans must have felt watching Ben Vereen tap-dance for Ronald Reagan. Ricky Martin denies he's gay, of course, but come on. Ricky hasn't been arrested in a men's room with a cock in his mouth, but it's gonna happen sooner or later. (And when it does, gay magazines will slap Ricky's picture on their covers and declare Ricky a hero in the struggle for gay rights.) Anyway, the full reality of the new Bush era didn't hit me until I sat watching the closet case shake his bonbon with the worst thing that's happened to this country since, well, ever. It's gonna be a long, ugly four years, kids.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to email@example.com.