Thank you for printing a column on cunnilingus. Your straight female readers appreciate it! And while I understand your distaste at having to read so many E-mails about the practice, I feel compelled to respond. After printing lots of contradictory advice from women about cunnilingus, you told straight men simply to ask the women they're sleeping with what they like. But, Dan, not all of us can actually tell a guy what we like. It's the age-old dilemma of difference. While a gay man knows exactly how he likes his cock sucked and can give accurate pointers, a straight woman, never having been confronted with a face full of stinky, slimy, hairy pussy, might not be able to give good directions.
As cunnilingus recipients, all we women can tell is when a man is doing something right. Few women would be forthcoming with a man who was doing something wrong. So, to the amateurs out there who require advice, I would say: Pay attention! If while you're licking the alphabet her body is rigid, her legs are shaking, she's clutching the sheets with both her hands, and she's gasping and moaning, you're doing something right! If you never get this kind of reaction, you're doing something wrong!
And ladies, I wasn't kidding about the stinky, slimy, hairy pussy. If it doesn't sound appetizing to you, what makes you think it will be to him? Keep things well-trimmed and squeaky clean and you'll never have to push his head down there.
--Just Trying to Be Helpful in Chicago
Oh, how the angry E-mail floods in when I hint that pussy--any pussy, even just one particular pussy--could be less than appealing. All pussy is beautiful, my pissed-off readers insist, each and every one. Linda Tripp's pussy? Beautiful! Cokie Robert's pussy? Intoxicating! Bea Arthur's pussy? Two thumbs up! So before my quick-to-anger readers boot up their computers, I'd like to point out that it was JTTBHIC (a woman!) who coined the highly offensive phrase "stinky, slimy, hairy pussy" to describe beautiful, beautiful, beautiful pussy. I had nothing to do with it. (Besides, of course, publishing it.) Angry readers are invited to send angry E-mail directly to JTTBHIC by writing to firstname.lastname@example.org, an account I opened on her behalf.
As per your cunning cunnilingus foray, I have a related question. One of the things I enjoy most with my girlfriend is a good twat-licking session, and I dare say she enjoys it, too. I'm wondering if you know of any procedures, perhaps surgical, that would allow for the lengthening of the tongue. Any info would be appreciated.
--Some Oral Lengthening Surgery
I've heard that you can go to a doctor and have that little bit of flesh on the underside of your tongue snipped. Once it heals, you should be able to stick your tongue out another half inch. But please, please, please: do not snip that string of flesh yourself, SOLS. I don't want anyone pulling a Jackass on me and harming themselves while attempting something they read about in Savage Love. Whether we're talking bondage, cunnilingus, or body modification, your first, fumbling attempts should always be under the supervision of a trained professional.
Don't let Savage Love readers beat you up for not devoting more space to cunnilingus, Dan. Cunnilingus information is pretty much everywhere. Pick a boring het sex manual. Whoomp. Cunnilingus. There it is. It pops up in Cosmopolitan every other month, for heaven's sake. I mean, OK, cunnilingus brings in the readers. But it's everywhere. Buying gayboy porn star underwear, though, is not everywhere. And this female reader prefers the gayboy porn stars, Dan, to cunnilingus retreads.
--Can't Think of a Snappy Pseudonym
It's good to know that someone else out there enjoyed the gayboy porn star underwear columns as much as I did. Thanks for sharing, CTOASP.
HELLO MY NAME IS MIKE FROM MARYLAND AND I AM REPLYING TO SAVAGELOVE WHEN U HAD A SEGMENT ON TEACHIN MEN HOW TO EAT FEMALE SPECIAL PRIZE OK IF U LIKE I WOULD LIKE PPL FROM ALL PLACES TO TEACH WOMEN HOW TO GIVE MEN ORAL SEX BETTER!!! SHOW WOMEN SOME TECHINQUES HUH!!!
MIKE FROM MARYLAND
P.S. SOME WOMEN TERRIBLE AT IT!!!
Some women terrible at it? Really? How would you know? Judging from your E-mail--which is all I have to go on--I'd say you don't get much sex, Mike. All caps, bad grammar, misspellings, run-on sentences, no punctuation marks save exclamation points: If the impression you make in person is anything like the impression you make via E-mail, well, you should be grateful if you ever get another lousy blow job in your long life, Mike. BUTT THNX FIR CHERING.
I want to add something to your response to Lonely Gay Loser. Most people who respond to a screen name or profile that's up-front about race are usually fetish-type people, i.e., men who are attracted to one racial type. My advice for LGL would be this: Make sure that the people chatting you up are not weirdos or stalkers. You should also try hard not to fall in love with guys who are only into Asians, because they may just want your physical thing. I learned those lessons the hard way.
--Mistook Fetish for Love
We don't say white people who are only attracted to other whites have a Caucasian fetish, yet we talk about whites who are attracted to blacks or Asians or Latinos as if they have some sort of race fetish. Of course, there are guys who have Mandingo fantasies, or want to deflower demure Asian virgins. While I would advise LGL to avoid marrying guys who only get off on stereotypes--being with someone who only wants to fuck your stereotype could get on anyone's nerves--I wouldn't advise him to avoid guys who are open about being attracted to Asian men. I mean, wouldn't it be sad if white guys who are into Asians were largely avoided by, of all people, Asians?
Tell that Asian kid who couldn't find a date that there's a hot 30-something in Georgia who would love to do whatever he wants. Nothing better than boyishly smooth Asian butts. Lots of us white boys love hot Asian boys!
--Gregg in Savannah
You, Gregg, would be one of the men MFFL wanted to warn LGL about, and I would advise LGL to avoid you.
Tell Frustrated Postie that there's a very strong possibility that the 18-year-old girl he's attracted to has no interest in him whatsoever. Many men around 40 have amazing powers of self-delusion, and take an occasional friendly smile from a young female to mean that she might be interested in, ahem, an "ass-banging." To a woman who feels like friendly smiles are completely safe because she doesn't think of this man as a sexual being, it can be very frightening (and, frankly, nauseating) to have a man old enough to be her father suddenly start showing sexual interest.
That sound you heard while reading BT's letter was the air rushing out of thousands of middle-aged male egos. Thanks, BT.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to email@example.com.