Your column used to be filled with disgusting letters from sickos. Now it's real people with real problems. Bring back the perverts!
--Disappointed in You
Two weeks ago I promised to get back to the freak show, and last week I thoughtlessly filled my column with real people experiencing real problems. Sorry about that, DIY, won't let it happen again. On to the perverts:
One night I was alone and feeling kinda horny, and I rubbed my penis all over my cat. I thought it would provide me with an interesting sensation, and it did. I am not attracted to my cat. My cat is female, so what I did wasn't in any respect "gay," but I want to know if it would be considered bestiality even though I never penetrated my cat.
--Only Goes in for Pussy
Let's say you're lying on the floor in the sun, OGIFP, minding your own business, when, let's say, Hugh Grant walks into the room. Hugh drops his pants and rubs his cock all over you. Hugh's not attracted to you--he's only interested in the sensation--and he never penetrates you. Would you consider that gay in any respect? I imagine so. In fact, Hugh Grant rubbing his cock all over you probably strikes you as "gay" in every respect.
There's something bestial about a man rubbing his cock all over a cat, penetration or no penetration, which means that what you did would have to be considered bestiality. In all respects. But it wasn't gay, praise Jesus, which will no doubt be a relief and a comfort to your parents.
I am a 26-year-old gay man who is obsessed with feces. I love to watch men eat it. When I tell other gay men about this obsession, they think I'm a sick bastard. Are there videos out there that cater to my fetish? Am I screwed?
--Not a Sick Bastard
(We're two letters into a perverts column, DIY, and we're already chatting with poo eaters. I hope you're happy.)
First, you are a sick bastard, NASB. Second, there are videos out there that cater to your fetish. If you can't find them, then you're not looking very hard. I've run across scat porn when I wasn't looking for it; someone who is looking for it should be able to find it without much effort. And finally, you are so screwed. I feel pretty confident (though slightly nauseated) in describing poo eating as a minority taste. If you're telling other men about your obsession in the hope that sooner or later you're going run across a like-minded shit freak, well, the odds of that ever happening are vanishingly small. Instead of freaking out guys you meet in bars, I would urge you to visit the handful (mouthful?) of Web sites that cater to (and hook up) disgusting, shit-eating perverts like you.
Speaking of having crap shoved down your throat, today I went to see Bridget Jones's Diary. New York Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd recently devoted an entire column to the film, so I felt justified in running out to catch a matinee. Hey, if it's good enough for the New York Times, it's good enough for this paper. I was sure the movie would suck, and was looking forward to bitching about how awful it was. But I fell for it. I even cried at the end when Bridget--in her tiger-striped panties--got her man. I'm a sucker, I guess, for retrograde, antifeminist fables about insecure child-women who need a man to make them whole. Two thumbs up.
My wife doesn't understand or approve of my sexual needs. I would like her to pass gas in my face. It's a common enough sexual interest that it has a name (eproctophilia). My wife does break wind from time to time, but she refuses to let me enjoy this natural functioning of her bowels no matter how often I discuss my needs with her.
--My Own Private Gas Crisis
Stop bothering your poor wife. She said no, which means you'll either have to keep sneaking sniffs when she cuts one or go see a prostitute. Your wife would probably rather you saw a prostitute than ever--and I mean ever--discuss this need with her again. If you're worried about remaining faithful, don't have sex with the prostitute. Just ask the nice lady to fart in your face, pay the nice lady, and beat off after she leaves.
Speaking of money, in the April issue of Hustler, publisher Larry Flynt offered ten million dollars to one of President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna, to pose nude in his magazine. If you didn't see the April issue of Hustler, it's worth picking up for the articles, as usual, but also for a full-page Photoshopped image of what Jenna Bush might look like reclining on an American flag, naked and fingering herself.
"We haven't heard from her," said managing editor Allan MacDonell when I called to ask if Hustler was in touch with Jenna. What about Jim Baker? "No, he hasn't called either. Actually we're worried we're going to hear from her father. I'm terrified of that guy, to tell you the truth. Larry isn't, but I am." Why isn't the offer also being made to Jenna's twin sister, Barbara? "Jenna's the cute one," explained MacDonell, "and we're only interested in the cute ones around here." Harsh! What about poor Barbara's self-esteem? "The Bushes have way too much self-esteem. It seems to outpace their abilities, so if this decreases the self-esteem of one of the Bush clan, that's a good thing."
Hey, Jenna: This is the kind of once-in-a-lifetime offer that a hip young girl might discuss with her gay best friend. I doubt, however, that you have a gay best friend, so I asked Benjamin Scuglia, editor of Unzipped Monthly, a porn magazine for gay guys, to pretend you were his best friend and advise you accordingly:
"Envision a crowded beach filled with all sorts of people of all ages," said Ben. "Now imagine that you're naked. All of those people--moms, dads, toddlers, teenage boys, grams, and grandpas--can see every inch of your body. Does the very idea give you the shivers? Then don't do it. Could you care less about who sees you and what they think about your nakedness? Then do it."
But before you pick up the phone, Jenna, Ben also wanted you to think about the on-line ramifications. "This magazine spread of yours isn't going to mold in a closet somewhere," Ben pointed out. "It's gonna go onto the Internet and will be circulating when you're 87 years old. Do you hate the idea of someone being able to ogle pictures of your 21-year-old pussy when you're wrinkled and hunched over and gumming banana mush? Then don't do it. If you love the idea, then do it."
One last thing Ben wanted you to consider is what other people might think. "In Jenna's case, she would be judged more harshly because she's female," Ben said. "If you pose nude, your friends will think you're a slut. Does that matter to you? Of course, with ten million dollars you can always buy new friends. And parents."