At the end of last week's column you asked what we should call it when a woman fucks a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo. We should call it "a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo." Does every sexual practice need a cute term? I'm sick of not being able to say everyday, previously run-of-the-mill phrases like "tossed salad" because now everyone thinks I want my ass eaten out instead of a plate of fresh vegetables.
--Sick of Names in Chicago
Sorry, SONIC, but hundreds of people sent in proposed terms for women fucking men's butts with strap-on dildos. It would seem that, despite your entirely reasonable objections, people are clamoring for a single, sexy word to describe this particular act. Read on.
What should we call it when a woman fucks a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo? It ought to be called "Latently Gay Man Desperately Trying to Hold on to His Heterosexuality." It doesn't roll off the tongue, but at least it's honest.
Sorry, TH, if a straight woman is doing it to a straight man, it's hetero sex, however uncomfortable it might make some insecure little pricks.
I am your typical straight joe who meets his buddies for beer on Fridays and doesn't live in Gayville. But after an old girlfriend started sticking her fingers up my ass, I was on a slippery slope. By the time we broke up she was pounding my ass like a pro. I have had some of the best orgasms of my life that way. But finding women who are into this is hard. Believe me, boys, convincing your new girlfriend to stick something up your ass is a lot harder than actually taking something up your ass.
--In Touch With My Anal Side
The British term for man-on-man sodomy is buggery, so I feel a woman fucking a man up the ass should be "bug-her-y," much in the same way some women refer to "her-story" instead of history.
--Clever Little Interesting Tidbits
No one knows a woman is saying "her-story" unless she raises her eyebrows, leans forward, and hits "her" hard. Have you ever been trapped in a conversation with someone who insists on using that term? It's annoying. And anyway there's nothing about "bug-her-y" that makes it woman-on-man specific; a lesbian could "bug-her" another lesbian. Sorry, CLIT, but you're a little less clever than you thought.
Other terms I had to reject because they could apply to lesbians: bitch-poked, bitch-bunged, SOS (for "strap-on sex"), chick-dicking, chick-banged, lass-fucked, she-lunking, plastic fudge-packing, soafing (for "strap-on ass fucking"), woman driver, strapped, femboning, fembuggery, femmanramming, womucking, and shebang.
Call it gobsoffing (girl-on-boy strap-on fucking) or fomsodding (female-on-male strap-on dildoing).
--Matthew in NYC
Good sex terms are catchy, easy to remember, percussive, and usually one syllable. Sorry, MN, both of yours are a little too complicated, and fomsodding sounds like yard work, not sex.
Other proposed terms I've rejected for being too complicated: hetmobas ("het man-on-bottom anal sex"), Myra Breckenridge (for the boy-butt-raping transsexual heroine from Gore Vidal's 1968 novel of the same name), straponanism (a biblical reference), sphinctillating (too many syllables), gynomounting (too clinical), and straightboyprostatebanging (only in German can you get away with jamming three or four words together and declaring the result a brand-new word).
While we're at it, here are a couple of terms rejected because we want something sexy, not gross: she-nis (ugh!), the ol' rubber-dick-in-poo switcheroo (please!), femme fatale doodoo devastators (cripes!). And, finally, terms rejected because they're dumb: a Jolly Roger, carrot-roping, the steermaster, Chinese ear-cleaning, the Fifth of July, keelhauling, porkstrapping, Mr. Ben Dover, and Savage Love.
I recall that boy prostitutes were sometimes called peg boys because they would sit on pegs to keep their assholes open between clients, so I suggest the word "peg." The woman would be the "pegger" or "pegress," the boy would be the "peggee," the act would be "pegging," and the boy would write in his personal ad: "I want to get pegged."
Most people who like to fuck butts like to fuck butts that are tight, not gaping open after hours on a peg. So I very much doubt the practice you describe was widely practiced, if it was practiced at all. And while "peg" has a certain appeal as a sex word--one syllable, percussive--my Aunt Peggy (who goes by Peg) would never speak to me again if "peg" took off.
In the case of a man getting fucked by a woman, he's letting her do the balling, so I would appropriate the football term "punt." After all, he's essentially punting the ball to the other team.
I actually like punt, UW. Punt is in the running.
In aviation, FOD means Foreign Object Damage, as in what happens when a jet engine sucks up a bird in flight. So why not "fodomy"?
I'll tell you why not: Most straight boys are already scared to death of the idea of someone playing with their butts. Incorporating "damage" into the name of this particular act isn't going to alleviate their fears, now is it?
I have an idea: bob. This is in reference to the popularity of the Bend Over Boyfriend videos, which demonstrate both the pleasures and techniques involved in this act. Different tenses of this word also work well: e.g., "Cathy bobbed me last night" or "So, are you into bobbing?"
--Bob's Your Uncle
Bob is good. I like bob. But I was concerned that people named Bob might have a problem with it, so I called my friend Bob, a married man with three kids. Did he think Bobs would have a problem with bob becoming a commonly accepted term for woman-on-man ass banging? "I don't think so," said Bob. "I imagine that many Bobs would be thrilled that our banal name would be associated with something so racy." No negative repercussions then? "We might see a slight resurgence in the use of the name Rob, despite its obvious negative connotations, but in my personal opinion, it's unlikely to even be noticed by the majority of Bobs."
So here's where we're at, folks. Out of the hundreds of proposed names for woman-on-man ass banging, we've got two good options: bob and punt. While I would normally choose one myself and order my readers to use it, in this case I find myself torn. So let's vote: for punt, send an E-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org; for bob, send an E-mail to email@example.com; and, what the hell, for peg, send an E-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. In two weeks I'll announce the winner, and we'll have our cute new term for this delightful sexual practice.