The votes are in. They've been counted, recounted, and...actually, I'm going resist making the stock Florida/hanging-chad/Republican-coup jokes. After all, this is serious business: What term, from this day forward, will be the commonly accepted slang for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo? Three candidates stood in this election: "bob," derived from Bend Over Boyfriend, a popular series of how-to-fuck-your-man-in-the-ass videos; "punt," for kicking the ball to the other team; and "peg," after a device once used to, uh, keep the butts of some very unlucky boys gaping open. Thousands of people took the time to cast ballots--12,103, to be exact--and many included impassioned pleas for their candidate. So before we announce the winner, let's hear from the voters:
No offense, Dan, but hey, Aunt Peg, fuck you! Pegging is too great a term to be eliminated so as to avoid offending one of your family members. Bobbing is too evocative of the action done by a person performing oral sex ("his/her head was bobbing up and down"), and punting gives the false impression that there's a foot involved somehow. Pegged, on the other hand, just seems to beg the addition "my ass." As in, "My girlfriend pegged my ass last night." The fact that it's a woman's name makes it all the more appropriate.
The best thing about the verb "to punt" is that it has a meaning that you are possibly unaware of. In the English university towns of Oxford and Cambridge, to go punting means "to propel oneself down the river in a flat bottomed, wooden boat, by inserting a massive pole into the river and pushing hard," much like a gondolier in Venice. This is surely a perfect analogy for ass fucking by a woman who, after all, lacks her own pole.
Robinson College, Cambridge
My name is Jackie Strano, my partner is Shar Rednour. Together we created, directed, and wrote the Bend Over Boyfriend series, starring Dr. Carol Queen. Shar and I loved your column about what to name woman-on-man anal sex. And of course we have to vote for ourselves! BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB is the word!
SIR Video Productions
You probably are not aware that straight women (and some of my lesbian friends, with a definite hint of sarcasm in their voices) refer to their cordless vibrators as Bob. It stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend. --AAA
Football is 50 percent violence, 20 percent men bending over, 15 percent big egos, 10 percent getting slapped on the ass, 4 percent inane dialogue, and 1 percent love. Sounds pretty much the same as getting "punted" to me! And I'm curious...after a vigorous session of punting, does the woman get to roll over and go to sleep while the man silently lies there and wonders what the future may hold?
--Theology Major at Ohio Dominican College
Some of my friends and I were trapped in an assembly in the high school library a few years back and decided to entertain ourselves by searching for the most derogatory term in the American slang dictionary. "Peg boy" won hands down (or asses up). Peg boy was a position in Her Majesty's Navy: he was the boy available for the after-hours pleasure of the sailors on those long nights at sea. To keep loose for his hard night's work, he would sit on a peg during the day.
--Paid Attention in School
Definitely "peg." Consider: Pegged. Pegging. Pegger. Peggable. Sir Pegged-a-Lot. Soft peg/hard peg. Feeling a bit peggy. Peg me, dammit. Not tonight, I've got a peg-ache.
--All for Peg
When I lived in SF, I had a boyfriend named Bob, and he was extremely fixated on butts. We never did the dildo thing, but he liked prodding with fingers and probably would have liked a dildo but was too homophobic to go that far. I'm sure he's still out there somewhere, messing with women's minds and fixating on his butt. So I am positive Bob is the way to go.
--Bobless in DC
"Last night she pegged me." "Last night she bobbed me." "Last night she punted me."
I'd rather be pegged.
I voted for "punting" because it blends p(enis) with (c)unting, and because men always feel more manly when they're talking about sports. As opposed to "bobbing," which reminds me either of apples (fairly neutral), or John and Lorena Bobbitt (fairly terrifying).
When you first suggested a term be coined for a sexual act that specifically applied to a woman doing something to a man, I wondered why we had to be so specific. After all, the terms fucking or fisting or kissing don't specify the gender of the actors. Then I saw the advantage. My husband (like most straight men) can't break the connection between being fucked in the ass and being gay--but a gender-specific term might help! If you're gay and another man is fucking you in the ass, he isn't punting you. You have to be straight to get punted. A woman has to do the job. I vote punt!
--Positively Uninhibited Newly Turned-on
Hey, Dan, have you ever noticed that the word "strap-on," spelled backward, is "no-parts"? Kind of ironically perfect, isn't it?
--DB in Vancouver
No, I hadn't noticed, DBIV, but now that you've pointed it out I'll never forget it. Thank you for sharing.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. In a stunning upset, my favored candidate, bob, came in dead last, receiving only 2,721 votes (22.5 percent). In second place, with 4,166 votes (34.5 percent), was punt. And in first place, with 5,216 votes (43 percent), was peg!
I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to vote, including the handful of computer geeks who scolded me for not using some fancy E-mail program that would've allowed me to count the votes with a couple of keystrokes. Sorry, guys, but I believe in counting votes by hand, as God intended them to be counted.
And finally, I'd like to offer an apology to my Aunt Peg, who probably won't ever speak to me again after this column comes out. We've always been close--she taught me about the birds and the bees--and she's always been there for me. And how do I thank her? By ruining her good name. I'm going to see my Aunt Peg at my brother's wedding this July, at which time she will no doubt peg the shit out of me for doing this to her. And who can blame her?
Confidential to Wilfred's boyfriend:
Your sappy boyfriend, Wilfred, asked me to wish you two a happy anniversary. Too cheap to buy a card, he asked me to send you this note.