With the assistance of a wickedly unsqueamish lover, I have managed to excrete from my obliging body almost all of the fluids I can produce, i.e., bloodsweatspitcumpiss. But, alas, we lack the mysterious mammary nectar. As I am unwilling to undergo the nine-month infestation that traditionally prompts the production of breast milk, I implore you to enlighten me: How does one induce lactation? --Milk Dud
"Frequent suckling is the most effective trick," said Dr. Nassim Assefi, a women's health specialist at the University of Washington medical school. Dr. Assefi tells me that helping nonpregnant women lactate isn't unheard-of in OB-GYN circles. "This is an important issue for adoptive moms who wish to bond by breast-feeding their infants," said the doc.
The suckling method is more likely to be successful on a woman who's had at least one kid and already breast-fed, though it can work on a woman who has never been pregnant. But I assume that you and your unsqueamish lover have tried that, Milk Dud, so I asked the doc for a slightly more aggressive treatment regimen.
"There are [drugs] to induce breast milk in conjunction with mechanical stimulation: antidopaminergic medicines such as metoclopramide [brand name Reglan] and phenothiazines [antipsychotic medicines]; nasal oxytocin; and priming with hormones for a week before trying the above two methods." All of these medicines have side effects, Milk Dud, but the doc says Reglan is probably the safest and most effective.
Sadly, none of these drugs can be obtained without a prescription, and it's unlikely your primary care physician will be willing to give you Reglan for recreational use. (The paper pushers at your HMO might also have a problem with it.) You can, however, spend your next vacation in Mexico, where Reglan and many other delightful drugs are available over the counter. Buy some Reglan, pop some pills, and then head back to your hotel, where your unsqueamish lover can suckle your breasts until he drowns.
Finally, to save my sicko readers the trouble of asking the obvious and inevitable follow-up question, I asked Dr. Assefi if Reglan and marathon suckling could make a man lactate. "These lactation-inducing techniques are much less likely to be successful in men," she said, "but if a guy began producing breast milk, it wouldn't be so rare that it would make Ripley's Believe It or Not."
Last week women weighed in on New York City Girl's letter--was NYCG violated by Ron, the man who came on her stomach after she said "no" and tried to push him away? Or was she raped? This week, here are a few letters from men:
I am sick of hearing girls claim they were "violated" and then hearing them add, "Oh yeah, we were making out together naked on his bed when he 'violated' me." That's infuriating. To girls who don't want to go all the way: Don't take your clothes off, you teases. --Stan the Man
Sorry, Stan, but a make-out session, nude or fully clothed, in a bed or under a bridge, does not obligate anyone--male or female--to go all the way. A woman may be fully prepared to go all the way and then realize that the guy is a lousy kisser, isn't a regular bather, or has running sores all over his body. Or he may give her the creeps for some vague, hard-to-define reason. She has every right at that point--naked, in bed, making out--to call the whole thing off.
That said, there are women who enjoy teasing men, and it sucks to wind up in bed with one. But being teased does not give a guy the right to rape a woman--or to come on her stomach. All a man can do when he finds himself with a tease is beg--but why give her the satisfaction? Teases want men to beg. Confronted with a tease, a real man feigns indifference, hands her her clothes, and gets her out of his apartment as quickly as possible. Then he beats off and goes to sleep.
Finally, most women who get naked and crawl into bed with a guy wanna do the deed. If every slut you bed, Stan, bails out at the last minute, there's something seriously wrong with your technique--or your hygiene or your politics or the condition of your sheets. If you want women to stick around, figure out what you're doing wrong and fix it.
New York City Girl went out with Ron and his friends until 4 AM. As twenty-somethings living in New York City, I'm willing to bet that they engaged in consumption of alcohol and possibly other substances. Nobody should be violated, yes, but women must always remember that the male libido is potentially dangerous! Don't stoke the fire if you don't want to get hot. Men, all men, no matter how sweet or sensitive, are driven by sexual desire. Once a man's blood begins to boil, it's very hard to cool down, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. --Watch Out Girls
Telling women that men with erections can't think rationally is awfully convenient for us guys, don't you think? And I know for a fact that it's not true: I've always been able to ponder the consequences of my actions during sex. Erection in hand, mouth, or tush, I still have the mental capacity to contemplate my partner's pleasure, my own body issues--hell, I sometimes start thinking about the laundry or some idiot thing the Wall Street Journal's Paul Gigot said on MSNBC.
But I agree that women should be aware that some men are dangerous--not because they can't think once they're aroused but because they're abusive assholes, boners or no boners. Arousal doesn't make a guy an abusive asshole, WOG, even if plenty of abusive assholes have tried to use arousal as an excuse.
This is one letter writer who will not take you to task for your response to NYCG. She felt used, and because the guy didn't make nice, express his undying devotion, and send bushels of flowers, she's hacked off. Instead of telling Mr. Shot on Her Stomach that she's mad at him, she says she's "confused." What the hell is there to be confused about? She doesn't like how he acted. Instead of being so damned sensitive, she should tell him to shoot on his own stomach and delete him from her speed dial.
And for all of your readers who think the guy should be tossed in the slammer for 1,000 years, the criminal law is not a remedy for each and every one of life's slights. No prosecutor in his right mind would charge the guy with rape. I have nearly 20 years' experience as a prosecutor, and I sure as hell wouldn't.
Love the column, Dan, and sign me...
Thanks for sharing, GL.