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Savage Love

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I'm a big fat liar! I'm 24 years old and still a virgin. Only my high school friends know this. I've lied to all my college friends and everyone thereafter. I'm a decent-looking guy, just never got laid, not even a blow job. Hell, I have practically no sexual experience. I have some really good friends now and still make up everything when we talk about women. This is really starting to guilt me out because I try to be as honest as possible. Now a situation presents itself where the people who know I'm a virgin and those who don't are going to meet. As usual with guys getting together and drinking, the topic of sex will come up. I'm afraid my current friends will find out that I'm a virgin and be outraged that I've been lying to them. Any thoughts on how to get myself out of this mess and keep my friends?

--Very Ignorant Regarding General Intercourse Negotiations

Wow, what a depressing letter. Twenty-four years old and still a virgin? Obviously your parents didn't send you to Catholic school. Look, the truth about your sexual inexperience is going to come out sooner or later, so I advise you to take control of when and how by leveling with your college buddies before they get together with your high school buddies. "You guys," you should say, "I gotta tell you something. I've never had sex. I was shitting you 'cause I was embarrassed about being a virgin." Coming clean before your high school friends expose you as a liar should prevent your college friends from getting pissed off. It's an entirely common, entirely understandable lie--one your college friends probably told before they lost their virginity (assuming that none of them are still lying virgins). On the downside, you're going to come in for some much deserved teasing. Endure it with grace and good humor. On the upside, your friends may decide to make it their personal mission, teen-sex-comedy style, to help you find a girlfriend and get that cherry popped already.

I am a single straight girl, I am intelligent, blond, I have a good figure, but all the guys I've been with lately have dumped me. It's always after sex, and I know that I'm not bad in bed. My ex-boyfriend told me that I am intimidating in bed because of my sex drive. I was seeing a lawyer for a few weeks, he was great, acted interested, called every day, took me out, but after I slept with him he flaked out on our next date and stopped calling me. After the lawyer I met someone at a friend's birthday party. He was really intelligent and he seemed interested. We had sex after our third date and then the same thing happened: he flaked out on our next date and stopped calling.

I don't understand why people have to do this. It really hurts my feelings. How can I get men to stop treating me like this? Why are people so cold? How can I get even with these jerks for making me feel lame? Is there something wrong with me? --Lonely Girl

Wow, another depressing letter.

There are two possible explanations for your recent troubles with men. Explanation #1: You are intimidating in bed, just as your previous boyfriend claimed. When men say a woman is "intimidating in bed" they usually mean she's assertive about what she likes and lets them know what she expects. Some men prefer women who are more on the passive side, and it's entirely possible that you dated two men in a row who were turned off when you grabbed them by the hair and steered their faces down to your crotch and barked, "Lick that clit, boy, yeah. You heard me, boy, lick it."

Explanation #2: You're really bad in bed. Bad-in-bed would explain why these two guys stopped calling immediately after you slept with them for the first time. You claim you're not, but you're probably not the best judge of your own sexual performance. The guys in the best position to know how good a lay you are don't appear to share your high opinion. I mean, they're not exactly clamoring for seconds, are they?

I have a 37-year-old male friend who, because of an evening of drinking, motorcycles, and helmetlessness, now spends his evenings home alone with slurred speech, some traumatic brain damage, and one leg. He has not touched a woman since his accident. He is tired of porn and well beyond shame. He can't and won't pay for it. Can you help me help him, Dan? Any woman interested in becoming his pen pal (or possibly more!) will be doing God's work. Women won't find commitment, control, or infidelity issues with this guy. Could you at least share this letter with your readers, Dan?

--Disabled Dilemma

PS: Ideas? Volunteers? Feel free to contact me at findmyfriendanicegirl@hotmail.com.

Wow, this is the most depressing letter of all.

OK, because your letter is the single most depressing piece of mail I have ever received, here it is in the column. I would hope, however, that the appearance of this letter doesn't fill your friend with false hope. I doubt very much that many of my female readers will be clamoring to be pen pals (or possibly more!) with a one-legged, brain-damaged guy with slurred speech. Pity may prompt a few women to write, but the odds of your friend getting any pussy out of this are pretty slim.

If I were a different sort of advice columnist--kind, supportive, delusional--I would offer you a few comforting lies and wrap up my comments with something like this: "There's a gal out there for every fella, and your friend just needs to keep his spirits up and keep looking!" Unfortunately that's not always the case. Women (and men) who are willing to date/fuck/marry someone with brain damage, missing limbs, and slurred speech are few and far between. As terrible as it sounds, your friend's getting-laid days may very well be over. That sounds awful, I realize, and it's hardly fair. "People should look at the person on the inside," you may be saying. To which I respond, "How many one-legged, brain-damaged women with slurred speech did your friend date before he had his accident? How many have you dated?"

I think your friend should reconcile himself to being alone--not because I know for a fact that he will be alone for the rest of his life, but because that's where the odds are. Reconciling himself to that won't preclude him from meeting someone someday, it'll just keep him from being miserable until he does. The other thing he should reconcile himself to is paying for it. Men can and do establish actual relationships with escorts, relationships that, while still a business arrangement, are nevertheless grounded in real affection.

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