Savage Love | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Columns & Opinion » Savage Love

Savage Love


Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe


I'm a straight male who wants to suck some cock. I don't want anything else, just to suck someone else's dick. I want this to be very discreet, and absolutely safe. I don't want anyone to know I did this, and I also don't want any diseases. Any suggestions?

--Wanna Be a Cocksucker

Like all straight guys who wanna suck a little cock (and there seem to be a ton of you out there), you want two big things (besides cock): safety and discretion. Unfortunately for straight male cocksuckers like you, discreet blow jobs often aren't safe, and safe blow jobs usually aren't discreet.

The most discreet blow jobs are the anonymous ones given in sex clubs, cruisy parks, toilets, and other notorious sleaze pits. Give a blow job under a bush in the middle of the night and your friends probably won't find out about it. On the other hand, the men you meet under bushes tend to be sleaze pits themselves, and most will be carrying at least one STD. The safest blow jobs are the ones you give to someone you know and trust and have been dating for at least a few months. Unfortunately, dating isn't very discreet. Your friends may meet him, or see you two together, and suspect something.

So before you can choose a course of action, you have to decide which is more important to you: Safety? Or discretion? If you're like most straight male wanna-be cocksuckers, discretion is more important. Most STDs can be cured or endured, but getting caught with a dick in your mouth forever makes you a fag in the eyes of your friends and family.

Which brings us, in a roundabout way, to David. "The first thing I would urge WBC to do is call me," said David, an escort-bodyworker in Seattle. David has come to the aid of a lot of men in your predicament. (You can check David out by visiting his Web site, "If he's really concerned about anonymity and discretion, the most obvious option is to call an escort or a bodyworker."

I don't have any proof, but I have a hunch that an upscale male escort charging $250 an hour is less likely to have an STD than your average skank under a bush giving it away for free. To find an upscale escort, David recommends, a Web site that offers explicit reviews (good and bad) of male escorts all over the world. "Once you find an escort attached to the cock you want to suck," David continued, "book an appointment."

And what about those pesky STDs?

"Don't be afraid to inquire about HIV status," David said. You should also ask your escort about herpes, hepatitis, syphilis, or gonorrhea--all of which can be transmitted through oral sex. "Look him in the eye, and when he gives you his answer you gotta listen to that little voice in the back of your head. If he says he's clean and you believe him, get down on your knees. On the other hand, if you don't believe him and he gives you the creeps, pay him for his time and get the hell out."

So you looked your escort in the eye and asked him if he was clean, and he seemed to be telling the truth...but what if he wasn't? Well, that's a risk you'll have to take if you wanna suck cock discreetly.

I am a straight guy who's curious about men. I've had enough blow jobs to know good from bad, and I'm sure I'll suck a mean cock. My concern is butt fucking. Or, rather, getting butt-fucked. Can you offer any tricks to help us "straight" guys out? Yeah, I know that if I am sucking cock and getting butt-fucked, it sort of compromises my "straight" status, but we live in a democracy, don't we?

--How to Serve Men

"First off, George W. Bush is our president," said David, "so we don't live in a democracy. Secondly, cock sucking is an art, and can only be learned by doing it--a lot of it. Just because you've had your share doesn't mean you'll be good."

Setting aside blow jobs, what does David recommend you do to get your ass in gear?

"Get to know your asshole," said David. "Lube up your fingers and work them around until you can get at least three digits inside. Then pull up your pants and go visit a sex shop and purchase a moderately sized dildo." David suggests that you practice with your dildo until you start to enjoy it. "Then you're ready for the real thing. Always use a condom and don't let someone come inside of you, even with a condom on. I'm one of those rare gay guys who doesn't enjoy a cock up my ass, so the rest of my advice is not from personal experience but from what friends have told me: Make sure you're both good and lubed up. Make sure he goes really slow. Breathe and relax."

I was dating this girl for about a year when at some point I finally admitted that, as much as I loved her, I also found guys attractive on some levels. I'm sure I will never get penetrated unless I am sedated or something because I just feel like I won't like it, so I don't feel like I'm a totally gay person. But now I have a friend who I'm not sure if he's gay or not but everyone seems to think he is, and I do too, but I'm not sure, but I really, really like him and he likes me a lot too and I'm not sure what to do??? Every time he looks at me I wish I could tell him about my homo feelings for him but I'm afraid we won't be friends anymore.

What can I do to let him know without actually saying anything? I want him to get the idea that I'm into him without freaking him out. He has been to my house many times and he spends the night, but I don't know what to do next. --Mostly Straight Boy

If you're attracted to this guy, MSB, and you think he might be attracted to you, there's only one way to move the ball down the field: make that pass, kiddo. If he's spending the night at your place, and if all your friends think he's gay (and it's not just wishful thinking on your part), then he probably is gay. So tell him you're into him or, if you want to tell him without saying anything, lay a kiss on him the next time he sleeps over. Either way, you risk losing his friendship if it turns out he's not gay. But it's a risk you're going to have to take.

Finally, MSB, you sound like a full-blown homo to me. Yes, yes: you loved a girl once. So did I. Finding the odd girl attractive and even managing to fuck a few of 'em doesn't make you straight. Nor does finding the idea of being penetrated repulsive--I mean, look at David. He's as gay as they come and he doesn't take it up the ass. Being gay isn't about being penetrated, it's about who you fall in love with, and it sounds like you've fallen in love with a guy. Maybe he's the exception, but somehow I doubt it. Don't you?

Support Independent Chicago Journalism: Join the Reader Revolution

We speak Chicago to Chicagoans, but we couldn’t do it without your help. Every dollar you give helps us continue to explore and report on the diverse happenings of our city. Our reporters scour Chicago in search of what’s new, what’s now, and what’s next. Stay connected to our city’s pulse by joining the Reader Revolution.

Are you in?

  Reader Revolutionary $35/month →  
  Rabble Rouser $25/month →  
  Reader Radical $15/month →  
  Reader Rebel  $5/month  → 

Not ready to commit? Send us what you can!

 One-time donation  → 

Add a comment