Savage Love | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Columns & Opinion » Savage Love

Savage Love


Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe


I was surfing through some porn and I ended up at one of those Webcam screen-shot galleries. Basically people talk girls into getting naked on regular cam chats and take a bunch of screen shots to send to a site that has tons of galleries. Anyway, I'm pretty sure one of the galleries has my ex-girlfriend in it. It really looks like her, but there's some small chance it could be someone else. But the thing is, we still talk a lot, and I know that whenever I see her I'm going to think of those pictures and it will really strike a nerve. I gotta find out if that's her or not or else this will bug me forever. I don't know how she'd react if I just flat out asked her, and I don't know how to subtly hint around something like this either. What should I do?

--Found Ladyfriend's Camshots

Any attempt you make to drop coy hints to your ex about seeing her porn shots on-line will only make you seem like a stammering, jabbering, leering pervert. There's no way to be subtle about something like this. So out with it: "Hey, I found some porn shots on-line that looked a hell of a lot like you."

That should get the conversation rolling.

If the shots are of your ex, then she's exposing herself to men via Webcam during on-line chats. And that's a fine pastime for a young lady, in my opinion, provided she's aware of the risks involved. On the off chance that your ex doesn't know that the guy or guys she's chatting with can take and save and post and swap and invite the whole goddamn world to beat off to pics taken during her nekkid chats, she needs a heads up from you, her ex and good buddy. If the pictures aren't of her, she'll be shocked--shocked!--that you would even think she was capable of doing such a thing. If the pictures are of her, she may attempt to save face by pretending to be shocked--shocked!--that you would even think she was capable of doing such a thing. However your ex chooses to play it, be a gentleman and play along.

I have a dilemma. I stumbled across a bit of porn on the Internet that highlights the oral skills of a good friend's wife. He's not in the picture, if you follow me. She is kind of rotten and unsupportive and he is just a supernice guy. Should I do something about this? Understanding that telling him would put a kink in their marriage, I feel obligated to clue him in at least for health reasons. Please help.

--Friends Always Can Intervene Against Love Gone Out of Bounds

First of all, FACIALGOOB, you win this week's acronym contest.

Second, you write that your friend isn't in the pictures you saw. But what does that prove? Unless your friend's wife is giving head on a bed covered with last week's Sunday Times, you have no way of knowing when the pictures were taken. The pictures--and the head--could predate your supernice friend's relationship with this woman.

Or not. Maybe the pictures were taken recently. Maybe the head you've seen evidence of is adulterous. Maybe that's Maureen Dowd's most recent column under her right knee. But maybe your supernice friend took the pictures himself. Do you follow me? You write that your friend's wife is "rotten and unsupportive," but he must see something in her. Porn mags and video racks and swingers' conventions are crawling with married men and women who mess around with other people, and many are making their own porn. There are men out there who get off on watching their wives mess around with other guys, and for all you know your friend's wife is doing something your friend approved of, enjoyed, and documented himself.

So should you say something? Of course you should, but not to protect your friend's health or (your real motive) to put a kink in a marriage that may be plenty kinky already. You should say something because you might get a blow job out of it.

I'm a college athlete who recently got a strange offer from a former TA. He asked if I'd be interested in taking his summer class for credit without having to show up or do any of the work. All I'd have to do is come to office hours twice a week and let him suck my cock. He said he loves black cock and always wanted to do this with one of his students. Since he's leaving soon, he figured it was worth a try. I think it's kind of weird, but I don't mind having my cock sucked twice a week and I could use the free grade. I know this is probably unethical but is it illegal? I don't want to risk getting in any legal trouble but otherwise I don't mind. What would you do? --Cocksucking A

Is it illegal? Meaning, will feeding your TA your black cock in exchange for a good grade land you in prison? No. It's certainly unethical, but there ain't no law against it.

While the law is silent on trading blow jobs for grades (at least at the college level--the same does not apply to Catholic grade schools, as the Catholic clergy recently discovered), your school's code of conduct might have something to say about it. So might your teammates. You could get expelled if you were caught swapping sex for grades (depending, of course, on just how crucial you are to your school's athletic department), and your TA would get fired (no big deal if he's leaving) and wouldn't get another teaching gig (no big deal if he doesn't want to teach).

What would I do? I would go for it. Sometimes we talk about risks and worst-case scenarios as if they were absolute certainties. They're not, and it seems to me that if you refrain from blabbing about your arrangement in public or in, uh, print, you'll get an A and some head while your TA gets his fantasy fulfilled. Along with the grade, you'll be getting some good karma points. About the nicest thing you can do for someone is fulfill a sexual fantasy, and while you can't put it on your resume, you can accept that A with a nice warm feeling inside.

I was surprised by your response to "Wanna Be a Cocksucker," the straight guy curious about cocksucking but concerned about disease. You never once mentioned the most obvious solution to his desire for safe fellatio: use a condom! Yeah, yeah, I know: you can't feel anything, you can't taste anything, yadda yadda yadda. But that's the sacrifice you have to make if you don't want gonorrhea in your throat. Asking someone if he has an STD, as your "guest expert" suggested, is completely pointless. People lie!

I'm a hustler myself, and I always use condoms when I suck guys off. Most of 'em don't like it, but too fucking bad. They can buy another whore who doesn't care as much about his health. My advice to WBAC is this: whether you find a dick in the bushes or hire an escort, if you're really, truly concerned about getting an STD, ask the guy to wear a condom. If he refuses, find another one. Guys who need blow jobs are like buses--another one will come along soon. --Safe Hustler

Thanks for sharing, SH.

Support Independent Chicago Journalism: Join the Reader Revolution

We speak Chicago to Chicagoans, but we couldn’t do it without your help. Every dollar you give helps us continue to explore and report on the diverse happenings of our city. Our reporters scour Chicago in search of what’s new, what’s now, and what’s next. Stay connected to our city’s pulse by joining the Reader Revolution.

Are you in?

  Reader Revolutionary $35/month →  
  Rabble Rouser $25/month →  
  Reader Radical $15/month →  
  Reader Rebel  $5/month  → 

Not ready to commit? Send us what you can!

 One-time donation  →