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Savage Love


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I'm a 20-year-old bi guy with a girlfriend of seven months and a few male friends with benefits (FWBs). I'm happy, but I have a kink and I'm wondering how to safely explore it. I want to try hustling. A random guy picking me up on the street and paying me for sex is an elusive turn-on, one that I can't derive from my relationships. I know hustling is ridiculously unglamorous and unsafe, and that there are some freaky guys out there. So how can I do this safely? I don't want to get every STD in the book or end up the victim of some gay Green River Killer. What do I do? --Tempting Rent-a-Date Erotics

The advice I'm about to give you is inoperative, TRADE, if your girlfriend doesn't know what's going down. But if you're honest with her about your sexuality and the benefits your friends are currently enjoying, and if you're taking all reasonable precautions to protect her emotional and physical safety, then I'm happy to help you realize this fantasy. If you're not being honest with her, kiddo, God will punish you in this life and the next.

Now honesty is hard, I realize, particularly for some bi guys. But the only way to safely realize this fantasy, TRADE, is by sharing it with your most adventurous FWB and enlisting his help. After you tell all, ask your FWB if he would be willing to facilitate the realization of your desires. In other words, ask him to pimp your ass out. It would be his job to find and recruit a guy you don't know, a guy who's trustworthy and safe but just a little freaky, a guy he knows you would find attractive. Then your FWB-pimp tells you what corner you need to stand on and on what night, and you wait there until your prescreened, preselected john drives up and rolls down his window. Be his ho, be safe (the real pros all use condoms), get paid, then run home to your pimp and hand the money over to him. Everybody wins.

So, Dan, I read your column, buy your books, enjoy your op-eds in the New York Times, respect what you do. But I must say that up until now I've read your advice just to laugh at the freaks, as I'd never encountered any kinks beyond the "normal" realm of sexual creativity. Now, however, my boyfriend has suggested, in the kindest way, that he wants me to wear diapers for him. Diapers, Dan. Diapers. I want to be a GGG gal, but, realistically, how do I stifle the inner monologue that says this is absolutely ridiculous? And how can I continue to respect my statuesque boyfriend, especially without psychoanalyzing his need to baby me like this? He says he doesn't want me to, you know, "go boom-boom" in them. --Going Ga-Ga

Most people with a diaper fetish want to wear them, GGG, not put them on another person. That makes your boyfriend a freak among freaks. I've always regarded diapers as a fetish too far, meaning a kink that even the most GGG partner has a right to balk at. But seeing as how you're emotionally invested in this guy--and seeing as how your boyfriend is statuesque and there's no "boom-boom" involved--you might want to go there with him, GGG. Who knows? If you can suppress the giggles long enough to get through one or two diaper sessions, maybe--just maybe--you'll find that you enjoy that baggy-assed feeling more than you thought you would. Or, more likely, you'll take enough delight in his enjoyment of it to make it bearable, and eventually you will achieve a Zen indifference to his kink, neither repulsed or turned on, but willing to indulge him.

I'm an 18-year-old guy in my first serious relationship. Recently I convinced my girlfriend to start giving me hand jobs, and they're great. Now for the bad news: when I was going through the worst of puberty I had no access to information about masturbation. Needless to say, for the past five years I've been doing it too hard, too much. The other night my girlfriend was going at it for a good 20 minutes and I never came. Also needless to say, I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I read your advice to vary routines and styles when masturbating, and since then I have. But I may have started too late. My question: Is there any way to work back to the sensitivity I once enjoyed? I've cut down masturbation to once a week, and I'm varying my routine when I do. Apart from that, is there anything I can do? Will even those steps work, or am I just shit out of luck? --Long Time Coming

The steps you're taking will help, LTC, but only if you're ruthless. Keep using that lighter touch and vary those routines, but if you don't come during your retooled jack-off sessions, grasshopper, then you just don't get to. The worst thing you could do is start out using that lighter touch and then, when it's not working and you're desperate, revert to the ol' death grip. Here's the message you have to get across to your dick: learn to come from subtler sensations or you're not going to come at all.

But while I want you to be hard on your dick, LTC, I don't want you to be hard on yourself. Sometimes it takes a while to come, and taking longer is preferable to coming too quickly. What's more, some men, like some women, simply require focused, intense (a light touch can be intense), prolonged stimulation in order to come. You may be one of those guys.

Love the column, just wanted to pass along this link to CORPSE and any other zombie fetishists out there: It's a pornographic spoof of the movie Re-Animator. Zombie fetishists will be thrilled. --Smitty

CORPSE may be interested in The Stink of Flesh, a movie that has zombie sex (rape actually) and a bloody zombie revenge for said rape. Not to be missed if one has zombie-related sexual fantasies. Definitely to be missed if one does not. --Nuts-Eating Cadavers Regurgitate Often

People helping people--that's what this column is all about. Of course, sometimes that means people helping people who fantasize about people being eaten by zombies, but what are you going to do? Thanks for sharing, Smitty and NECRO.

When are you gonna run your advice for 15-year-old girls? I've had a huge crush on this guy for six months, but I can't tell if he likes me at all! I'm 15 and have no experience with this stuff! I really need advice! Please save me from the hell that is crushdom! --Have Crush, Will Suffer

Oh my God! I totally spaced that column! Last week it was the pope! This week it was the pot! I promise that next week's column will be packed with advice for 15-year-old girls. But I don't think you'll like some of it! Heart ya mass!

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