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Savage Love


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I've been dating a wonderful guy for four months. He's 41, I'm 37. We enjoy each other's company immensely; we laugh a lot and he fucks like a champ--definitely a keeper. But I have a couple issues with him that I don't know how to broach. He has a dental bridge that looks like it's in serious need of a change. He also uses his floor as his closet, and his apartment isn't always tidy. I think he'd be even finer than he is if he fixed his teeth and cleaned his house. How do I bring this up without offending him? Should I bring it up? --Just That Into Him

Go ahead and bring up the bridge right away, JTIH, as he's probably not all that sensitive about it. More likely he's just a little oblivious to his personal appearance. As to the condition of his apartment--the mess, the clothes all over the floor--have you considered picking up after him? If this gets serious and you move in with him, JTIH, you can solve his cleanliness issues by, you know, cleaning for him.

Shhh--do you hear that rumbling sound? That's a million angry women and 25 feminist men pounding out angry e-mails. "It was extraordinarily sexist of you to suggest that this woman clean up after this man," tap tap tap, blah blah blah. "I had to check the cover of the paper to make sure I wasn't reading Christianity Today! For shame, Mr. Savage!"

I may be extraordinarily sexist, but suggesting that one half of a couple take the lead on housekeeping isn't conclusive proof of this. My comments are motivated by my personal experience in long-term relationships. My boyfriend does my laundry, shops for me, and cooks for me. I don't expect him to do these things for me because he's a woman--he's got a ginormous cock. He does these things because he's good at them, while I'm bad at them, and he actually seems to like taking care of me. (I like taking care of him, too: I move things, kill things, and pay for things.) So if my ginormous-cock-having boyfriend can pick up after me, JTIH, I wonder why lovely-vagina-having you can't pick up after your guy? I mean, think about it: if things work out and you fall in love and you move in and get married or whatever, what are you signing up for? To take care of each other, right? Well, he clearly needs someone to take care of making dentist appointments and straightening up. What do you need?

As long as there's some semblance of balance, some cheerful reciprocity, why not do his damn laundry?

I'm a GGG woman and I'm fat. I don't have a problem with my fatness and neither do the guys I've been with. But though I can find tons of men who want to fuck me, none of them want to date me. They're willing to worship me in the confines of the boudoir, but out in public they act like they don't want to be seen with me. I'm not asking for PDA, which I generally dislike. But hanging out and occasionally going out after sexing it up would be grand. Are all fat-girl-loving guys pussies? --No More Dater Haters

Not all, NMDH, but almost all of the young ones are.

Until about, oh, age 30 or so, most men aren't secure enough in their own sexuality--and I'm talking about 100 percent heterosexual guys here--to do or say anything that might out them to their friends as anything other than "normal." Guys who wanna wear panties or tie up girls or get pissed on can pursue their kinks without having to reveal anything about their sexuality to their friends. But a guy into fat women isn't so lucky--if he's seen with you in public, NMDH, he's going to have some explaining to do.

This completely pansy-assed fear of not being perceived as "normal" results in many straight men dating--and in some tragic instances marrying--women their friends find attractive (or so they assume) rather than women they themselves find attractive. But there's only so long a man can go on boning Nicole Richie when what he really wants is to bone someone your size. Eventually these guys come to the realization that a lifetime of sexual frustration is a high price to pay for "normal" cred.

The thing you missed about Jason Fortuny's Craigslist experiment was that he was posting as a submissive woman. It doesn't take a load of

kinkiness to be turned on by that. What straight male doesn't fantasize about having a sexy female slave? In other words, Fortuny wasn't against people with fetishes, he was against males with such a banal, straightforward fetish. He was baiting the natural chauvinist tendencies in

his fellow males. --Paul B.

Wow, was I wrong! Jason Fortuny isn't a shit-smeared asshole who invaded the privacy and potentially ruined the lives of dozens of men. No! Jason Fortuny is the fantasy thought police, to say nothing of fantasy judge, jury, and executioner. And now that Officer Fortuny has made an example of men into submissive women (so banal!), he can move on to punishing women with rape fantasies (so common!), fags into cops and firemen (so cliched!), and lesbians into, er, whatever it is that kinky lesbians are into (so squishy!).

Sorry, PB, I'm not buying it. Not all men into BDSM--even as tops--are chauvinist pigs. There's no rhyme or reason to most people's fantasies; there are submissive male misogynists, racist crackers into black cock, and desperately homophobic pole smokers.

There's just no excuse for Fortuny's actions--none whatsoever.

I'm a thirtysomething gay male who's attracted to married men. I haven't acted on my desires due to the fact that willing married men are so hard to find and, really, how do you approach one? I'm seeking your personal expertise. Where do you find married men who want to experience a little of the "other" side? --Want Married Dick

Hmm. I have no experience with married dick--not the straight variety, anyway--so my "personal expertise" in this instance is limited. But I understand that a Web site called Craigslist is absolutely crawling with married men hunting for cock. Some of these married men, I'm told, are straight. So go for it, WMD, but be careful out there--you never know when Officer Fortuny is going to be conducting one of his "stings" on banal fantasies, and yours is about as banal as they get.

Send questions to © 2006 Dan Savage

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