Q I'm an 18-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra—my piss slit—is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don't really like being naked by myself, to be honest.
Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed. It's driving me up the wall. Couple this with the fact that women see me as attractive, and I'm not doing well. I've recently started college, and it's endlessly frustrating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I'm dying over here! —Messed Up Junk
A "His story is one that is very familiar to us," says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). "He should know that he is not rare and many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners."
You're right, MUJ: casual sex/flings may never be an option for you. But you know what? Drunken college hookups last an hour or two, while the communication skills you're going to have to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.
You will have a sex life, MUJ, and there's a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she's physically incapable of vaginal intercourse. There's a new dating website for straight men and women "who cannot engage in sexual intercourse" (2date4love.com). And if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.
In short, MUJ, you have options. You also have role models.
"One of the most validating and reassuring experiences someone with genital difference can have," says Devore, "is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, shame, and isolation, and the challenge of intimate relationships."
HEA hosts an annual conference and it's coming up, MUJ. If you can get your ass to Chicago over the weekend of October 21–23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.
"Connecting with others who share his difference is the best way to end his isolation and begin his healing," says Devore.
HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend—an experience that is life changing and, in some cases, life saving—and I've made a donation so more men with hypospadias can attend this year. I'm encouraging my readers to do the same: heainfo.org.
Q I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing in a new city. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I'm gay—I didn't feel the need up front and now I don't feel comfortable—but homophobia isn't the reason I am writing you. The situation goes deeper.
In the midst of my online exploits, I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, same tattoos, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos—MASSIVE—while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do? —Roommate's Anal Movies
A Your living situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody, RAM. It also sounds like an opportunity. If you're into this guy—and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy—why not seize that great, big, gaping opening created by your little discovery?
The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, RAM, tell him you're gay, tell him you don't appreciate his comments, and tell him you're somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.
There's a chance—a slim chance—that he's not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression, and the attention he gets from men online. Here's hoping you wind up fucking some sense into your roommate and an apology out of him.