Everyone has dating war stories, and we asked for yours: bad first dates, good breakups, online exploits, and one-night stands. Much to our surprise, that's exactly what we got. There was the cougar who said dating in Chicago was like being a kid in a candy store, the guy who offered a look at the same-sex habits of postal workers, and one with the memorable first line, "If I had to measure it, I'd say it was approximately a pint worth of shit." And those are the ones that didn't make the cut. The stories here include a bar hookup that ended with endless repetition, a woman who quit weed to find love, and a man who says he's doing his part for the war by keeping soldiers' wives happy. Talk about a war story . . . —Julia Thiel
Monica Ekks—Scott's Cock
"He is still distraught over the laughter of the lightweight"
Richard Wilcose—My Bloody Valentine
"It kind of makes sense that she would blow me while I played Call of Duty on his X-Box"
Sofia Penelope Brown—555-Weed
"I have no job and just got out of jail. You really think I'm marriage material?"
Marisa Vlasak—The Girl With the Elephant Balloon
"He came to our date with a leisure suit, and some odd-looking hat"
"I remember thinking that he looked like a north African Elvis Presley, but in a good way."
Jack Berger—Say It Again, Vince
"'I mean, I'm just totally rock 'n' roll,' he said, once. And then again."