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Spare Us

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Kingpin...is easily the funniest film of the year. It's hard to recall a picture in which I laughed out loud at each and every one of, maybe, its first 25 jokes. And the jokes are not merely verbal or sight gags, but twists in the story as well."

--Gene Siskel, Chicago Tribune, July 26

1. Bill Murray, heckling bowler Woody Harrelson: "Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kind of like an about-to-explode bratwurst."

2. Murray opens a car door into Harrelson's groin.

3. Murray to waitress: "Would you mind washing off that perfume before coming back to our table?"

4. Harrelson talks to Murray through mouthfuls of cereal.

5. Murray leaves Harrelson behind to face the local yokels they've hustled. They carry him screaming back into the bowling alley and mangle his hand in the ball return.

6. A bald, decrepit Harrelson now has a hook hand. He hooks his radio alarm clock.

7. Neighbor to Harrelson: "Can you get sick drinking piss? Even if it's your own?"

8. Hideous landlady spits into her palm and puts her cigarette out in her hand.

9. Harrelson hooks rearview mirror and car door handle, rips sleeve trying to put on coat.

10. Harrelson wants to be Amish bowler Randy Quaid's manager. He counts the reasons on his rubber hand. Each finger bends backward.

11. Quaid turns him down. Harrelson turns on him: "I hope you rot in hell. You suck. You don't deserve a car."

12. Harrelson spills coffee on baby, then from toddler perspective we see his hook hand coming in for a cootchie-coo.

13. Trying to perpetrate a scam to avoid paying rent, but caught by landlady, Harrelson throws scalding coffee into his partner's face.

14. Forced to have sex with landlady, Harrelson vomits into toilet.

15. Landlady: "What is it about good sex that makes me want to crap?" Harrelson vomits again.

16. Shot of landlady's varicose veins. Harrelson vomits again.

17. Harrelson tracks down Quaid on family farm. Sports a fake beard and speaks with an Irish accent.

18. Dog under table chews on Harrelson's rubber hand.

19. Amish grandmother has facial hair that looks like a beard.

20. Harrelson drinking from bucket of what he thinks is cow's milk: "It took her a little while to warm up." He is told they don't have a cow. They have a bull.

21. At sight of pretty Amish woman, Harrelson nails his rubber hand to a board.

22. Amish child hits Quaid in the gut.

23. Harrelson runs off at sound of dinner bell, causing framework for farmhouse to collapse.

24. Harrelson tries to convince Quaid his calling is "round, has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it." Quaid replies: "You leave Rebecca out of this."

25. Told to remove the shoes from the "biggest, strongest horse in the county," Harrelson saws off its hooves.

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