The Plot Thickens | Year In Review | Chicago Reader

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The Plot Thickens


Tired of getting your news from government mouthpieces in the media? Find out what really happened this year with this handy 1997 conspiracy theory chart.

It was compiled directly from the World Wide Web, which the government can't control! Don't like what you read? Then mix 'n' match entries from each column to create your own theory. There are 4,096 combinations! We've started you off with one possible alternate theory. Just remember: Question authority. And don't believe what you read.

Who: The royal family

Did What: hired paparazzi thugs to kill

To Whom/What: Princess Diana

Why: because they didn't want a former Princess of Wales screwing around with an Arab, much less producing a dark-skinned sibling for the future king of England.

Found at:

Who: Colorado police

Did What: hid a child sex ring by deliberately botching the murder investigation of

To Whom/What: JonBenet Ramsey

Why: to protect the highly placed individuals who know about or participate in kiddie porn.

Found At:

Who: The government

Did What: planted its own bomb in a Ryder truck and blew up the Alfred P. Murrah building in Oklahoma City in order to frame

To Whom/What: Timothy McVeigh

Why: to strike first against the group McVeigh belonged to, the Aryan Republican Army, and possibly prevent more serious acts of terrorism.

Found At:

Who: The military

Did What: knows what crashed at Roswell, New Mexico, back in 1947, but refuses to admit it was just

To Whom/What: a spy balloon

Why: to keep the alien conspiracy theory going and maintain tourism, the area's only source of income since the military closed its base there years ago.

Found At:

Who: The Mafia

Did What: engineered the current U.S. conflict with

To Whom/What: Iraq

Why: to take global attention away from its work laundering money from the sales of drugs, arms, and slaves around the world.

Found At:

Who: President Clinton

Did What: approved raising speed limits as a way of relieving

To Whom/What: global warming

Why: by encouraging more north-south driving, which will spin the Earth back to its original orientation. (Over the past 50 years, the weight of cars in the U.S. has made the earth tip slightly, causing southern polar regions to face the sun. This is a problem.)

Found At:

Who: Andrew Cunanan

Did What: faked his own death by killing

To Whom/What: his accomplice

Why: so he could go live as a blond bombshell in San Francisco or San Diego and seek out other celebrities to kill.

Found At:


Did What: has allowed National Security Agency officials in the famous Area 51 to take control of

To Whom/What: the Pathfinder mission

Why: to suppress evidence of life on Mars, including photos of footprints, radio signals coming from the surface, and another face on the planet.

Found At: www.10com/-stephens/Mars/

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