From the pages of POPsmear ¥ Issue 14.0 (50 W. 23rd Street, 6th floor, New York, NY 10010; www.popsmear.com; $3 per issue or $15 per year for six issues)
Dealing With Hair Loss
By Daniel James Logan
Hair. The fiber that makes the world go round. It has built empires, it has made history. Softer than silk and more precious than gold. From Genghis Khan to Neil Armstrong, all great men have one thing in common: hair.
Then one day you go to get your hair cut, and when the barber spins you around to see the back, you see something you've never seen before in your life...the back of your head. Pretty soon you see that scar on the front of your head that you got when you were three but have never seen before. The next thing you know you're walking into 7-Eleven when you look up to see the security camera monitor giving you a bird's-eye view of your vacant lot.
You're on the A train to shineville and there's no turning back. If you're like me, you're lucky in a way because you've known your whole life that you'd be bald one day. Somehow you make yourself believe it'll happen later rather than sooner.
For some guys, it's cruel revenge. Those guys who have made women feel self-conscious by talking to their breasts now have people talking to their foreheads.
You can't wish it back, or buy it back, or pray it back. You just gotta learn to live without it. You're probably like me and you've never had a "good" hair day anyway. Here are my 10 tips for those of you getting cold heads:
1. Find a girl with a bald father. Everyone knows that most women are just looking for someone to replace their father (who never spent enough time with them). They'll see that shiny head as a sign of authority, and you're on your way.
2. It's just an old wives' tale that hats make you bald, so wear one. If hats made you bald, it wouldn't happen only to men, and it would surely happen to baseball players.
3. DO NOT spend money on ANYTHING that says it can help. You're dealing with a couple million years of evolution, not a broken VCR.
4. Wear platform shoes. The higher your head, the better.
5. Some people think shaving all the way is the best idea. Do this ONLY if you are sure you have a good head. Captain Stubing is much better than Gorbachev (think about it).
6. I only have one thing to say about the combover: have some dignity, for Christ's sake.
7. Try not to get fat. That's TWO points against you.
8. Do not grow long hair on the back of your head. It confuses people too much and makes them hate you. Do this only if you're over 30 and still working in a comic-book store.
9. Be good to the friends you still have.
10. Be proud.
That's about it. I hope that was of some help. If you're not follically impaired, and you're just reading this to mock bald people, go check your comb; your days are numbered, my friend.
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Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): zine cover.