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From the pages of Cool Beans! ¥ Number 12, the Sports Issue (3181 Mission #113, San Francisco, CA 94110; $6)

Excerpts from:

Japan loves golf. America loves haikus. Well alright then. The Lesson

By Kyle Statham

student:

new clubs, new culottes

the spikey shoes match the glove

destined for greatness

student:

awkward awkward swing

finally, solid contact

oops, where did that go?

master:

oh novice golfer

your errant shot found my

crotch

help me to my car

student:

no! i hit the pro!

are your testicles swollen?

how much are lessons

master:

do not strike the pro

the ball is your sole target

this is lesson one

master:

swing free like the leaves

trees of golf knowledge blossom

is your husband tall?

master:

you swing constricted

next time leave your

panties home

the golf pro sees all

master:

see your swing improve

my hand on your ass is key

golf pro is genius

master:

golf pro speaks wisdom

head down, feet apart, grip firm

now love my putter

student:

no love for your club

not from me, now or ever

do you love my knee?

master:

oh no, searing pain

you've reinjured my scrotum

what of lesson one?

student:

your lessons suck, pro

perhaps golf is not for me

where's the tennis court?

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Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): zine cover.

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